The best part is, she was sober.

Frat Guy: Are you drunk?
Sorority Girl: Yeah, I like to throw back the Virgin Marys in the A.M. (Pause) Wait, they're called Bloody Mary's, aren't they?

- ANW

Since when is it called "meeting and greeting"? That's the most intimate handshake ever

female student #1: I can't believe you wouldn't want them to give you some down there!
female student #2: Well, I'd feel more comfortable if I did them, because they'd meet me half way to greet me.
female student #1: Yeah, I guess, but I would want to get something in return, if ya know what I mean.

- McDaniel Hall

Is that a water bottle, or am I just happy to see... myself?

Sophomore Girl: I'm on something hard... Oh wait, it's me.

- Bus ride back from NYC

Overheard by: AR

No, but if you were attracted to her, we might have issues

Awkward Freshman: Like, last night, I had a dream there was this humanoid monster, and it was my mother. Does that mean I have mother trouble?

- Psychology Class

Overheard by: Kara

Only if that stuff is clean, and not connected to you in any way

Sophomore Guy (talking to a group of girls): Aren't you supposed to put stuff up there?

- Early morning in Glar

That's what she said

Female Student to friend: I gave Jason the head and then he dangled it in front of me.

- Bus trip home from Rent

Unless, of course, your activities included being a beautiful, dead woman

English Professor: If someone had on their facebook page "Interests: Beautiful, dead women," that might not be a great match for you.

- Lit by Women class

I usually purr

Male Student #1: Is it okay if I workout for five minutes in the room?
Male Student #2: Sure
Male Student #1: I may growl....

- Blanche

I'm sick of playing phone tag with Paul

Male Student (telling a Spring Break story): The phone rang... And it was Jesus.

- Hill Hall

Overheard by: Oh, Lord

When being precocious goes wrong:

7 year old (to his mother, a Professor): You're a time-saving, money-saving apparatus.

- Hill Hall

Overheard by: Intelligent, or really, really stupid?

I'm not that stressed about the paper...

Professor: Do you need drugs? I have drugs!!

- The Writing Center

Sales at Safeway always get my juices flowing. two-for-one juices, that is

Guy in car: Dammit, I have an erection!
Girl in car: Why, because we were talking about anal sex?
Guy in car: No, because we were talking about 5 dollar groceries!

- North Village lot

Speaking of Elizabeth Browning...

Male Student: Aren't any of the photos of her in color?
English Prof: Well, they're all just paintings...

- Hill Hall

I don't know. Elizabeth Browning and George Sands could have been getting it on

English Prof: I don't think she's sexing her... I mean, wasting her time.

- Hill Hall

Overheard by: LB

Oh baby, you're so... smooth?

Preppy Boy: I'd like to stick my spoon deep in your peanut butter.
Hot Girlfriend: Can you never say that again?

- Friendly's on 140

Overheard by: ewwww

Those Honors kids think of everything

Honors Girl: Now, when you you parked in front of an Amish farm, did they have a driveway?

- Info Desk

Overheard by: B.C

Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven

Girl #1: He's not answering his phone. Maybe he's still in class.
Girl #2: Or maybe he's just having sex. Give him two minutes and he'll be done.

-Ensor Lounge

Overheard by: s.e

All in all, it was one of my better days

Male Student: What did you do today?
Female Student: Well, I ran into a door with my teeth.

- The Pub

Overheard by: Gretchen Wieners?

I have to boost my self-esteem in some way!

Female Student: Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Male Student: Only when I masturbate.

- Glar

Overheard by: LB

And that is the ultimate question in life

Male student #1: I don't understand why you're so down on the girl just because she has small breasts.

Male Student #2: Because how am I supposed to titty fuck her?!

-Blanche

Overheard by: an ashamed and amused roommate.

Almost as disrespectful as when I shit all over the floor

Student: I hate going to the bathroom after the cleaning lady finishes cleaning the toilets. I always feel like I'm ruining her hard work. It just feels really disrespectful.

-McDaniel Hall

Maybe they should meet this girl

Drunk Girl: You can't go over there! They're peeing! You might see their vaginas!

- North Village

Overheard by: Sarah

I guess naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens can influence any man...

Supposedly Straight Male: I'm hardcore into HSM.

-ANW

Overheard by: If you understand those letters, you're hardcore, too

I just ask my hooker for her advice, but whatever floats your boat

Career Planning Advisor: Do how do we make decisions? Do you just flip a coin?
Awkward Student: It's God's will. I just listen to that song "Here I am, Lord" and I know what to do with my life.

-Professional Communication

Overheard by: oh, jesus.

And this is why townies should stay on their side of the fence

Townie: Be careful, man, that floor is wetter than my butthole.

-Arby's on 140

Overheard by: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
*ps - I threw up a bit having to type it*

You better look, because it's the closest you'll ever get

Drunk Frat Boy: Haha, you've got a mangina!

-The Quad

Overheard by: shut the hell up, I'm trying to sleep

She makes a pretty decent argument

Drunk Girl: You could never give someone gonorrhea in their eye, because your jizz wouldn't go that far, cause you don't have a dick.

-North Village

Overheard by: a not quite so drunk girl

Now what am I supposed to eat?

Pissed off Female Student: Dude! You just ate all my lettuce!

-McDaniel Hall

Overheard by: A concerned normal eater

... Like having to eat lunch with you

Male Student: Why do you close your eyes when you lick the ice cream cone?
Female Student: I don't know, its more fun that way.
Male Student: Yeah some things are more enjoyable with your eyes closed.

-Glar

Overheard by: that hot gay PM

As opposed to a what?

Sorority Girl #1: My butt has been looking like a butt lately!!!
Sorority Girl #2: Someone's gained weight in her ass!!

-ANW

Overheard by: s.d

But I promise it wasn't a hate crime!

Hot Gay Peer Mentor: I had this one mentee, and whenever she got really excited she'd just go ahead and punch the person. So when we first met, she found out we had the same major, and the next thing I know 'smack!'

-Alumni Hall

And with that, read the whole chapter for Monday!

Psych Prof: To make you happy, all you need is shooters.

- Intro to Psych

That hot dog looks so much less appealing now...

Sophomore Girl: Why are cookies and penises good and bad? Soft cookie good, soft dick bad. Hard cookie bad, hard dick good. And it's okay to bite cookies, but not dick.

- Glar

Overheard by: OUCH!

Nah, I go more for the sawed off shotgun. We are in the south...

Psych Prof: When someone is going 15 on the freeway, I mean, you just want to kill them with a laser beam!

- Intro to Psych class

Omg, Wtf? Idk, my bff jill?

Soccer Girl #1: I cannot believe coach is making us practice on Labor Day!
Soccer Girl #2: I know! When I heard that, I was like W-T-F?!
Soccer Girl #3: She's sooo mean!

- Soc Class

Overheard by: Welcome to college, tard!

I guess you have to be "special" to get flowers

Preppy Girl: You got flowers! That is so sweet! I guess that's what happens when you get old!

- SASS Office

Overheard by: Oh. Wow.

But if it's longer than 24 hours, I'm screwed...

Sophomore guy: ... for 24 hours. I have a system worked out; I have a bottle to pee in and I'm good to go. That's my plan.
Frat boy: Sounds like a good one!

- Academic Hall

Overheard by: What the heck?

He's got the strength of one and a half men!

Freshman Boy: He's like, half Asian, half black, half white. He's a cool guy, man.

-Rouzer

Overheard by: s.g

Because smacking him on the ass would have been too nice

True Observer: Here's what I have to say about the ex.....for a second, he thought he was hot shit. But then the world smacked him in the face.

-ANW

Overheard by: Room of those in agreement

It's amazing how great minds think alike

Encouraging Leader: We're like a well oiled machine
Awkward Girl: And by well oiled machine, you mean well lubricated vagina. That is what you were going for, right?
Encouraging Leader: Exactly

-ANW

That's what she said...

Amusing roommate: Touchin' that meat was the worst day of my life. That did damage to my soul...

-Whiteford

Overheard by: Amused roommate

It's okay that she's only 13

Stupid girl: I would consider Meg an adult. She, like, has a job.

-Ensor Lounge

Overheard by: Kara

Even though my heels hurt my feet after a while...

Straight guy #1: I don't get why you go to that club, the music sucks.
Straight guy #2: Yeah, but even if the music sucks, I still like to dance.

-ANW

Somewhere between health class and the sex talk, she missed an important lesson...

Confused Sophomore Girl: Well, I'm going to go relieve my pancreas—or where ever it is that your pee is held.

-McDaniel Hall

Overheard by: a confused bystander

Really, we weren't thinking that at all

Sexually Frustrated Sorority Girl: Now, I don't want you guys to think I'm a lazy masturbater or anything like that.

- The Quad

Overheard by: Her concerned sisters

I'm sorry! I'll never invite my mom again!

Angry Girl: It could have just been normal, meaningless sex. And you ruined it!!!

-ANW

Overheard by: I'm glad I'm not that boy

Apparently she wasn't very good at them...

Sorority girl: She's allergic to semen... which is ironic. I mean, how many blowjobs do you have to give before you realize that?

-ANW

Overheard by: At least it's not herpes