The best part is, she was sober.

Frat Guy: Are you drunk?
Sorority Girl: Yeah, I like to throw back the Virgin Marys in the A.M. (Pause) Wait, they're called Bloody Mary's, aren't they?

- ANW

Since when is it called "meeting and greeting"? That's the most intimate handshake ever

female student #1: I can't believe you wouldn't want them to give you some down there!
female student #2: Well, I'd feel more comfortable if I did them, because they'd meet me half way to greet me.
female student #1: Yeah, I guess, but I would want to get something in return, if ya know what I mean.

- McDaniel Hall

Is that a water bottle, or am I just happy to see... myself?

Sophomore Girl: I'm on something hard... Oh wait, it's me.

- Bus ride back from NYC

Overheard by: AR

No, but if you were attracted to her, we might have issues

Awkward Freshman: Like, last night, I had a dream there was this humanoid monster, and it was my mother. Does that mean I have mother trouble?

- Psychology Class

Overheard by: Kara

Only if that stuff is clean, and not connected to you in any way

Sophomore Guy (talking to a group of girls): Aren't you supposed to put stuff up there?

- Early morning in Glar

That's what she said

Female Student to friend: I gave Jason the head and then he dangled it in front of me.

- Bus trip home from Rent

Unless, of course, your activities included being a beautiful, dead woman

English Professor: If someone had on their facebook page "Interests: Beautiful, dead women," that might not be a great match for you.

- Lit by Women class

I usually purr

Male Student #1: Is it okay if I workout for five minutes in the room?
Male Student #2: Sure
Male Student #1: I may growl....

- Blanche

I'm sick of playing phone tag with Paul

Male Student (telling a Spring Break story): The phone rang... And it was Jesus.

- Hill Hall

Overheard by: Oh, Lord

When being precocious goes wrong:

7 year old (to his mother, a Professor): You're a time-saving, money-saving apparatus.

- Hill Hall

Overheard by: Intelligent, or really, really stupid?

I'm not that stressed about the paper...

Professor: Do you need drugs? I have drugs!!

- The Writing Center

Sales at Safeway always get my juices flowing. two-for-one juices, that is

Guy in car: Dammit, I have an erection!
Girl in car: Why, because we were talking about anal sex?
Guy in car: No, because we were talking about 5 dollar groceries!

- North Village lot

Speaking of Elizabeth Browning...

Male Student: Aren't any of the photos of her in color?
English Prof: Well, they're all just paintings...

- Hill Hall

I don't know. Elizabeth Browning and George Sands could have been getting it on

English Prof: I don't think she's sexing her... I mean, wasting her time.

- Hill Hall

Overheard by: LB

Oh baby, you're so... smooth?

Preppy Boy: I'd like to stick my spoon deep in your peanut butter.
Hot Girlfriend: Can you never say that again?

- Friendly's on 140

Overheard by: ewwww

Those Honors kids think of everything

Honors Girl: Now, when you you parked in front of an Amish farm, did they have a driveway?

- Info Desk

Overheard by: B.C

Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven

Girl #1: He's not answering his phone. Maybe he's still in class.
Girl #2: Or maybe he's just having sex. Give him two minutes and he'll be done.

-Ensor Lounge

Overheard by: s.e

All in all, it was one of my better days

Male Student: What did you do today?
Female Student: Well, I ran into a door with my teeth.

- The Pub

Overheard by: Gretchen Wieners?

I have to boost my self-esteem in some way!

Female Student: Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Male Student: Only when I masturbate.

- Glar

Overheard by: LB

And that is the ultimate question in life

Male student #1: I don't understand why you're so down on the girl just because she has small breasts.

Male Student #2: Because how am I supposed to titty fuck her?!

-Blanche

Overheard by: an ashamed and amused roommate.

Almost as disrespectful as when I shit all over the floor

Student: I hate going to the bathroom after the cleaning lady finishes cleaning the toilets. I always feel like I'm ruining her hard work. It just feels really disrespectful.

-McDaniel Hall

Maybe they should meet this girl

Drunk Girl: You can't go over there! They're peeing! You might see their vaginas!

- North Village

Overheard by: Sarah

I guess naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens can influence any man...

Supposedly Straight Male: I'm hardcore into HSM.

-ANW

Overheard by: If you understand those letters, you're hardcore, too

I just ask my hooker for her advice, but whatever floats your boat

Career Planning Advisor: Do how do we make decisions? Do you just flip a coin?
Awkward Student: It's God's will. I just listen to that song "Here I am, Lord" and I know what to do with my life.

-Professional Communication

Overheard by: oh, jesus.

And this is why townies should stay on their side of the fence

Townie: Be careful, man, that floor is wetter than my butthole.

-Arby's on 140

Overheard by: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
*ps - I threw up a bit having to type it*