Sales at Safeway always get my juices flowing. two-for-one juices, that is

Guy in car: Dammit, I have an erection!
Girl in car: Why, because we were talking about anal sex?
Guy in car: No, because we were talking about 5 dollar groceries!

- North Village lot

Speaking of Elizabeth Browning...

Male Student: Aren't any of the photos of her in color?
English Prof: Well, they're all just paintings...

- Hill Hall

I don't know. Elizabeth Browning and George Sands could have been getting it on

English Prof: I don't think she's sexing her... I mean, wasting her time.

- Hill Hall

Overheard by: LB

Oh baby, you're so... smooth?

Preppy Boy: I'd like to stick my spoon deep in your peanut butter.
Hot Girlfriend: Can you never say that again?

- Friendly's on 140

Overheard by: ewwww

Those Honors kids think of everything

Honors Girl: Now, when you you parked in front of an Amish farm, did they have a driveway?

- Info Desk

Overheard by: B.C

Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven

Girl #1: He's not answering his phone. Maybe he's still in class.
Girl #2: Or maybe he's just having sex. Give him two minutes and he'll be done.

-Ensor Lounge

Overheard by: s.e

All in all, it was one of my better days

Male Student: What did you do today?
Female Student: Well, I ran into a door with my teeth.

- The Pub

Overheard by: Gretchen Wieners?

I have to boost my self-esteem in some way!

Female Student: Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Male Student: Only when I masturbate.

- Glar

Overheard by: LB

And that is the ultimate question in life

Male student #1: I don't understand why you're so down on the girl just because she has small breasts.

Male Student #2: Because how am I supposed to titty fuck her?!

-Blanche

Overheard by: an ashamed and amused roommate.

Almost as disrespectful as when I shit all over the floor

Student: I hate going to the bathroom after the cleaning lady finishes cleaning the toilets. I always feel like I'm ruining her hard work. It just feels really disrespectful.

-McDaniel Hall

Maybe they should meet this girl

Drunk Girl: You can't go over there! They're peeing! You might see their vaginas!

- North Village

Overheard by: Sarah

I guess naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens can influence any man...

Supposedly Straight Male: I'm hardcore into HSM.

-ANW

Overheard by: If you understand those letters, you're hardcore, too

I just ask my hooker for her advice, but whatever floats your boat

Career Planning Advisor: Do how do we make decisions? Do you just flip a coin?
Awkward Student: It's God's will. I just listen to that song "Here I am, Lord" and I know what to do with my life.

-Professional Communication

Overheard by: oh, jesus.

And this is why townies should stay on their side of the fence

Townie: Be careful, man, that floor is wetter than my butthole.

-Arby's on 140

Overheard by: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
*ps - I threw up a bit having to type it*

You better look, because it's the closest you'll ever get

Drunk Frat Boy: Haha, you've got a mangina!

-The Quad

Overheard by: shut the hell up, I'm trying to sleep

She makes a pretty decent argument

Drunk Girl: You could never give someone gonorrhea in their eye, because your jizz wouldn't go that far, cause you don't have a dick.

-North Village

Overheard by: a not quite so drunk girl

Now what am I supposed to eat?

Pissed off Female Student: Dude! You just ate all my lettuce!

-McDaniel Hall

Overheard by: A concerned normal eater

... Like having to eat lunch with you

Male Student: Why do you close your eyes when you lick the ice cream cone?
Female Student: I don't know, its more fun that way.
Male Student: Yeah some things are more enjoyable with your eyes closed.

-Glar

Overheard by: that hot gay PM

As opposed to a what?

Sorority Girl #1: My butt has been looking like a butt lately!!!
Sorority Girl #2: Someone's gained weight in her ass!!

-ANW

Overheard by: s.d

But I promise it wasn't a hate crime!

Hot Gay Peer Mentor: I had this one mentee, and whenever she got really excited she'd just go ahead and punch the person. So when we first met, she found out we had the same major, and the next thing I know 'smack!'

-Alumni Hall

And with that, read the whole chapter for Monday!

Psych Prof: To make you happy, all you need is shooters.

- Intro to Psych

That hot dog looks so much less appealing now...

Sophomore Girl: Why are cookies and penises good and bad? Soft cookie good, soft dick bad. Hard cookie bad, hard dick good. And it's okay to bite cookies, but not dick.

- Glar

Overheard by: OUCH!

Nah, I go more for the sawed off shotgun. We are in the south...

Psych Prof: When someone is going 15 on the freeway, I mean, you just want to kill them with a laser beam!

- Intro to Psych class

Omg, Wtf? Idk, my bff jill?

Soccer Girl #1: I cannot believe coach is making us practice on Labor Day!
Soccer Girl #2: I know! When I heard that, I was like W-T-F?!
Soccer Girl #3: She's sooo mean!

- Soc Class

Overheard by: Welcome to college, tard!

I guess you have to be "special" to get flowers

Preppy Girl: You got flowers! That is so sweet! I guess that's what happens when you get old!

- SASS Office

Overheard by: Oh. Wow.